20221115 To kill a mockingbird (for parents / psychotherapists)
I became a parent a year ago (on Thursday!) and will – hopefully – receive a diploma to practice psychotherapy in around another two years. With that in mind, here's a great little chunk of dialogue from Harper Lee’s classic, which I’ve just somehow found time to re-read. What a Jem (geddit?).
There’s an exchange early in the book between six year old Scout and her father, Atticus. Scout is upset after an unhappy first day at school. Her father (knowingly or not) gives her a lovely bit of person-centred counselling (2006, p.32).
He starts with an open question: ‘Something wrong, Scout?’ No leading. He leaves ‘an amiable silence’ for her to answer. Carl Rogers would approve. This gives her a chance to collect her thoughts – he doesn't rush her or feel a need to fill the silence.
When she declares she 'didn't think I'd go to school any more if it's all right with him' he tells her he’s legally bound to send her to school in a non-judgemental, congruent way: ‘…they’d put me in jail if I kept you at home’. He's presenting information without commenting upon it or making any pejorative judgement.
‘I’m feeling alright, really’ replies wee Scout.
‘Thought so. Now what’s the matter?’ comes the reply.
Again he isn’t leading her; he’s letting her open up in her own time and on her own terms. Given space, ‘bit by bit I told him the day’s misfortunes’, Scout tells us (the story’s written from her perspective). Isn’t that something— Lee isn’t just giving us this extraordinary bit of parenting, she’s showing us what it’s like to be on the receiving end of it. Feeling listened to, and experiencing the unconditional warmth of her father, she feels able to gradually open up. Bravo.
There’s an exchange early in the book between six year old Scout and her father, Atticus. Scout is upset after an unhappy first day at school. Her father (knowingly or not) gives her a lovely bit of person-centred counselling (2006, p.32).
He starts with an open question: ‘Something wrong, Scout?’ No leading. He leaves ‘an amiable silence’ for her to answer. Carl Rogers would approve. This gives her a chance to collect her thoughts – he doesn't rush her or feel a need to fill the silence.
When she declares she 'didn't think I'd go to school any more if it's all right with him' he tells her he’s legally bound to send her to school in a non-judgemental, congruent way: ‘…they’d put me in jail if I kept you at home’. He's presenting information without commenting upon it or making any pejorative judgement.
‘I’m feeling alright, really’ replies wee Scout.
‘Thought so. Now what’s the matter?’ comes the reply.
Again he isn’t leading her; he’s letting her open up in her own time and on her own terms. Given space, ‘bit by bit I told him the day’s misfortunes’, Scout tells us (the story’s written from her perspective). Isn’t that something— Lee isn’t just giving us this extraordinary bit of parenting, she’s showing us what it’s like to be on the receiving end of it. Feeling listened to, and experiencing the unconditional warmth of her father, she feels able to gradually open up. Bravo.
Opening up to her father allows her to acknowledge that it isn’t really going to school that’s upset her, it’s the instruction of her teacher to stop reading at home with her father, which she loves. It's the fear of losing an important part of her relationship with him.
It’s also apt, because then comes the line the book’s most famous for: ‘You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view', Atticus tells wee Scout, 'until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.’ (p.33).
Atticus doesn’t stop here. He tells Scout that she ‘learned many things today’ – and so did her teacher (it was also her first day). ‘We could not hold her responsible when she knew no better’, he tells Scout. He talks her through how the day would have been experienced by the teacher (Scout’s only six, she needs a little hand-holding!)
It’s just the tiniest of dialogues, but there’s such a lot in it. I’d happily settle for being half as good a parent or person-centred therapist as Atticus Finch.
Lee, H. (2006) To kill a mockingbird. London: Arrow books.
It’s also apt, because then comes the line the book’s most famous for: ‘You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view', Atticus tells wee Scout, 'until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.’ (p.33).
Atticus doesn’t stop here. He tells Scout that she ‘learned many things today’ – and so did her teacher (it was also her first day). ‘We could not hold her responsible when she knew no better’, he tells Scout. He talks her through how the day would have been experienced by the teacher (Scout’s only six, she needs a little hand-holding!)
It’s just the tiniest of dialogues, but there’s such a lot in it. I’d happily settle for being half as good a parent or person-centred therapist as Atticus Finch.
Lee, H. (2006) To kill a mockingbird. London: Arrow books.
Comments
Post a Comment